From rupture to repair: rebuilding trust with your dog

The other night I was feeding my toddler in his high chair after a long day. He wasn’t interested in what I was serving, food was flying, and the dogs hadn’t been fed yet. I’d completely messed up the usual order of things and I could feel the chaos closing in.

Enzo, my Italian Greyhound, is deeply committed to the idea that food is life, and he was making his opinion about the dinner delay very clear. I popped both dogs behind a gate so I could get their meals sorted while keeping my son from launching more peas. A moment later, Enzo managed to push the gate over with a crash and came tearing through. I yelled - something I rarely do.

It stopped him in his tracks and he looked worried and confused. It also stopped me, because that sharp tone isn’t what I want from myself as my dogs’ person. And it was hardly poor Enzo’s fault - the gate wasn't set up properly, and high chairs have a near-perfect rate of reinforcement if you’re a dog. Cue instant guilt mode.

That moment between me and Enzo is what is often called a rupture: a break or disruption in the sense of connection and safety between two beings. And, as in human relationships, the important part is what happens afterwards: repair.

Defining rupture and repair in relationships

These terms are often seen in human attachment theory. Research shows that even in strong, secure relationships, we’re not perfectly attuned to each other all the time. In fact, studies of parent-infant interactions find attunement happens only around 30% of the time in well-attached pairs. The rest is a mix of missed cues, misunderstandings, and moments of disconnection. The crucial factor in maintaining security isn’t avoiding these breaks altogether, but repairing them afterwards.

It's very similar with our dogs. No matter how much we love them or how skilled we are, there will be moments when we misread, overreact, or miss what they’re trying to tell us.

Rupture in the human-dog relationship might look like:

• Yanking the lead or raising your voice in frustration.

• Pushing your dog beyond their limits to "get it done."

• Using a cue in a way that startles or confuses them.

• Handling them abruptly or roughly when you’re stressed.

Repair is the process of restoring the sense of safety and connection after that break. It’s not about erasing the moment or pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about actively rebuilding trust.

Why ruptures happen

It’s easy to imagine we’ll always act in line with our training values if we believe in them strongly enough. In reality, rupture happens because:

• We’re overloaded. Fatigue, stress, and competing demands shrink our patience.

• Communication breaks down. The dog isn’t responding as we think they should, we feel ignored, and frustration builds.

• We default to old habits. How animals were treated in our families or communities growing up leaves deep imprints.

• It feels good in the moment. A raised voice or abrupt action can make us feel like we're in control. But that relief is short-lived and costly.

• We feel embarrassed. When our dog’s behaviour plays out in front of others, it can feel like it reflects directly on us. It's as if their choices are proof of our competence (or lack of it). That social pressure can make us react in ways we wouldn’t in private.

  
  

None of this makes us inherently bad pet guardians. It makes us human, living complex lives alongside complex animals.

The impact on us and our dogs

The emotional fallout of a rupture is real. For dogs, a tense tone, sudden physical correction, or pushing them too far can trigger stress. In that state, learning becomes harder, and over time they may become more hesitant or defensive in similar situations.

For us, ruptures can stir up shame, self-doubt, or the quiet feeling that we’re failing. Left unaddressed, they can create a pattern where training feels tense for both dog and human. Over time, that tension takes the biggest toll on the relationship.

Repair offers the opposite: it shows the relationship can bend without breaking, and that trust can survive the odd mistake. In both people and dogs, repair can do more than just get things back on track. It can leave you closer, with a stronger bond and more flexibility for whatever comes next.

How to repair (and why it’s not a free pass)

Repair isn’t about excusing ourselves or thinking, it’s fine to treat your dog badly as long as you say sorry afterwards. It’s about taking accountability, actively doing better, and getting help if you need it.

Here are some ways to approach it:

1. Pause and soften

As soon as you realise you’ve crossed that line (maybe you pointed at them in that 'you’d better not' way or your tone got harsh), stop. It’s tempting to power through (“just one more cue”), but that only digs the hole deeper.

Your job here is to take the heat out of the moment. Step back, shift your body sideways, drop your shoulders, and take a couple of slow breaths. Imagine pressing the ‘reset’ button for both of you.

That evening with Enzo, I asked my partner to take over toddler feeding and then sat on the ground, chatting to Enzo quietly without looking at him directly. He sidled over pretty quickly, and I gave him a gentle stroke (which he enjoys, but not all dogs do, so base this on the individual and their body language).

2. Read your dog in the moment

Once you’ve softened yourself, the next step is to tune in to your dog. They’ll tell you when, or if, they’re ready to reconnect.

Is their body still and stiff? Are they turning away from you or avoiding you altogether? Are they offering lots of appeasement, such as rolling on their back or lip licking repetitively? These can be signs they need more space and time.

Think of it like checking if someone’s ready for a conversation after an argument. Barging back in too soon can make things worse.

3. Make a safe reconnection offer

This isn’t about bribery, and it’s not a training "fix." It also shouldn't be focused on making you feel better. It's a low-pressure olive branch. A few ideas:

• Scatter some treats in a quiet space for them to sniff out.

• Invite a favourite easy game (like tug or "find it").

• Move together toward somewhere calmer - away from the trigger or distraction.

The point is to give them something they can succeed at immediately, without pressure or risk of another rupture.

4. Acknowledge without self-punishment

Dogs might not understand the words, but tone and intent matter. A simple, gentle "Sorry buddy, I made that too hard" or "I startled you there" is enough. This isn’t the moment for an internal monologue about how you’re the worst person in the world. That shame spiral is paralysing, not productive.

Accountability is data for better choices, not a stick to beat yourself with.

5. Reflect and adjust for next time

Repair isn’t complete until we’ve done a little post-rupture analysis. Ask yourself:

• What exactly tipped me over? Was it my dog’s behaviour or the fact I was already running on empty?

• What could I change to make success easier?

  
  

For me, in the Enzo episode, the fix was obvious: give the dogs something calming to do (eg. chew bones in the garden; have their food in a puzzle toy) during dinner so I’m not juggling everyone’s mealtime needs in the same frantic ten minutes. Small environmental tweaks like that prevent far more ruptures than willpower or training drills ever could.

6. Get help (if it’s possible for you)

If you’re stuck in a cycle of tricky moments and can’t see a way forward, that’s a sign to bring in support. A professional dog trainer can help you spot what’s tripping you up and find strategies you may not have considered. Sometimes we’re so close to the problem we can’t see the simple solutions. If professional help isn’t possible right now, you might lean on a trusted friend or family member for practical support, whether that’s a quick dog-minding break or an extra pair of hands during the situations you find hardest. There’s no shame in needing backup; it’s often the most effective way to break a difficult pattern.

Moving forward

Sometimes those of us who care deeply about welfare and kind methods feel pressure to present ourselves as endlessly patient and perfectly in control. This can be especially true in the current climate, where aversive methods and obedience-as-status messaging are loudly making their case. The fear is that if we admit to a mistake, we’ll be met with: “See? You can’t be positive ALL the time.”

But these debates and "gotcha" moments are pretty one-dimensional. They skip over the deeper questions - the ones about values, about how we want to show up in the world, and about the kind of relationships we want to build with our dogs. Effectiveness matters, but so does aiming for patience and softness in a world that is often geared towards the opposite.

People who put welfare first still have human limits. We will make mistakes. We will sometimes do things that are unpleasant for our dogs. Life will deliver stress, and in small doses, that stress is part of building resilience. Pretending we have it all together, all the time, serves no one - least of all the real, fallible dog guardians we work with.

What matters isn’t perfection. It’s a commitment to repair, reflection, and growth.

Enzo and I being friends/dorks together again

References

Sources

• Tronick, E., & Cohn, J. F. (2018). Infant–mother face-to-face interaction: Age and gender differences in coordination and the occurrence of miscoordination. Child Development.

• Vieira de Castro, A. C., Barrett, J., de Sousa, L., & Olsson, I. A. S. (2020). Carrots versus sticks: The relationship between training methods and dog welfare. PLoS ONE, 15(2), e0225023.

• Vieira de Castro, A. C., Fuchs, D., Morello, G. M., Pastur, S., & Olsson, I. A. S. (2019). Better together: Dog–owner relationships and dog training methods impact dog welfare and success in training. Applied Animal Behaviour Science, 219, 104831.

• Trisko, R. K., Smuts, B. B., & Rangassamy, M. (2016). Relationship quality in mixed-species dyads. Behavioural Processes, 125, 8–17.

Further reading

• McConnell, P. B. (2013). The Other End of the Leash. Ballantine Books.

• Bradshaw, J. (2012). Dog Sense: How the New Science of Dog Behavior Can Make You a Better Friend to Your Pet. Basic Books.

• Companion Animal Psychology - Blog exploring the science of dog behaviour and training, written for the public: companionanimalpsychology.com